(^(oo)^)

2010-12-24T20:59:00.002+08:00

I would love to have an elder sister as opposed to a brother. No matter the flaws of the former, I'm sure their EQs would supersede the latter by miles.

We could do with the non-existence of some.

2010-08-07T21:17:00.001+08:00

I wished i have higher IQ.

2010-04-25T16:23:00.002+08:00

I envy those who have goals.

20 years of mediocrity is not gonna cut it.

Practicality or Passion? I hope to find the middle.

2010-03-27T19:32:00.002+08:00

I've absolutely 100% no clue what to apply for for UNI!

I'm doomed.

I'm never gonna get a wife, car, house, kids.............

The future looks bleak, yo.

2010-02-20T22:40:00.002+08:00

When i had many days ahead of me, i made little use of each day.

When it whittled down to a meagre few, i made little use of each day, feeling remorseful, yet unable to be galvanized to change.

The tranquility of repetition.

2010-02-07T20:35:00.000+08:00

I'm so lethargic these few days.

And nostalgic.

2010-01-10T19:33:00.003+08:00

Ok...there's basically 3 things i wanna do during the 40 weekends this year.

Find a contemp class/ballet basics class
Yoga/Pilates classes
Learn French/Jap

But everytime i come home from hell, it feels like i'm in heaven and my butt wants to stay married to my comfy bed. Permanently. Until sunday.

Grr.

I'm a festering good-for-nothing extending my shriveled hands for The Pill of Vitality. Anyone?

From GivesMeHope.com

2009-12-22T11:24:00.004+08:00

1)Three days ago, my best friend died.

Two days ago, I found that she was an organ donor.

One day ago, I heard that a nine year old boy now had her heart.

Today, I met that nine year old boy. He told me that because he had my best friend's heart, he'd be my best friend now. My best friend and him GMH.

2)I work in a day nursery. One day, a little boy was on my lap crying. Another little boy came over and saw he was crying, so he went and brought him a toy and put it in his lap. A little girl then came over, ran off to get a tissue from the wall dispenser and wiped his nose herself. These children are 18 months. Their concern for others GMH.

3)I've been struggling with an eating disorder for years and weigh myself obsessively throughout the day. This morning, there was a post-it note covering the numbers on my scale that said "you're beautiful".

I live with three guys. Men like that GMH.

4)One year ago, I was seriously depressed and contemplating suicide. The boy who sat behind me in Geometry asked every day if I was okay, despite my often rude or short responses. He didn't know it, but his caring questions were the one thing keeping me alive. Today he is my love and my best friend. I am so much more than okay. He GMH.

5)Today was my little brother's birthday and he's been begging for a birthday party. The thing is, he's autistic and doesn't have any friends, but i couldn't tell him no. I told some of my friends about the situation, and they agreed to come spend the day with him. My friends are 17 year old boys. Their generous love for my little brother GMH.

6)There was a kid at my high school who was a notorious truant. One day he stopped skipping and started attending regularly. Later, we found out he would visit his terminally ill friend in the hospital so he could be with him until the very end. He GMH.

7)A few weeks ago, a senior at my school was hit by a car while walking home with a few of his friends. It turns out that, at the last second, he pushed his friends out of the way. In that accident, he was killed. Nobody else was hurt, thanks to him. People like him GMH. RIP Travis

8)Today, I heard a story on the radio about a little girl who sold ALL of her toys on Ebay. Why? She wanted to buy bulletproof vests for our county's police dogs. She is only 6. Her selfless, caring, innocence GMH.

9)Today when I was working an adorable older couple came through my line. When I asked if they had found everything they needed, the woman looked at her husband and said "I found everything I needed 43 years ago." GMH.

10)While doing homework on one of the university computers, I spied Sailor Moon manga on one of the others. It turned out to be a very large, imposing football player reading it. He told me that it was his little sister's new obsession and he wanted to be able to talk to her about it when she called. GMH

And many more from givesmehope.com...

2009-12-13T19:51:00.001+08:00

Beware the barrenness of a busy life.
Socrates

2009-11-22T08:22:00.004+08:00

Holy shit My Sister's Keeper is so poignant...

I always have a fascination with the girl-suffers-but-remains-optimistic theme, the impact the girl made within each of the family members' life and the changes they experienced after the protagonist died.

Very formulaic, and the theme is liken to that of One Liter of Tears, but it still caught my attention due to the emotional appeal to the human condition.

I guess the moral of this story is that we should let go when it's time to avoid causing unnecessary pain to others and to yourself.

But, can we always look at the bigger picture when we are the picture itself?

2009-11-15T12:52:00.002+08:00

1 more year to go!

That is the only remotely exciting thing in my life right now. The anticipation. The proximity of freedom.

But come to think of it, i'm not looking forward to anything after i ORD.

Maybe i should get a girlfriend to talk cock/camwhore with.

2009-09-22T18:53:00.002+08:00

Urgh, can't believe so many guys are going clubbing every weekend without fail just to while time away.

Dammit i also want a surfeit of momentary euphoria, but not in the expense of my health.

I am perpetually dying from boredom and discontentment.

The more i introspect, the more inadequate i feel.

Just 411 days more before my sentence is done. Too long.

Till then, i shall revel in my memories and imaginations.

HELP!

2009-08-22T20:23:00.000+08:00

Is there anything out there worth living for?

2009-08-02T21:23:00.000+08:00

I will sound like some metro who has just gotten his nails polished, but i really love my new Sansha Pro 1C canvas ballet flats!!

Whee at least my arch looks nicer now.

But the irony is i have the shoes but i don't have the opportunity to wear it since i have not applied for any classes!

Urgh.

Otherwise, my life and many people's lives are going downhill.

Time for escapism. Cyaa~

2009-06-21T19:55:00.002+08:00

I want to swim, dance, watch movie, go gym, go hiking, go learn martial arts.............but i can't.

My youth, like many others', is eroding away and the worse part is i'm ambivalent towards it. I should be sad, but i'm also relieved this shit is passing as fast as i will it to be.

Man t'is a sunday. Imagine how many activities can be accomplished with a chirpy mood instead of this ennui and resignation that envelopes me when i just wake up.

Now i just want a bomb to drop down here to take us all out.

2009-06-07T17:05:00.003+08:00

2009-05-31T20:12:00.001+08:00

If i can love ballet for 2 years, I can go through the 1.5 years of crap.

2009-05-30T11:52:00.002+08:00

Urgh. Ordered Mac delivery but somehow the food didn't come.

RAGE!

2009-05-22T22:46:00.000+08:00

Taoism
Shit happens.

Buddhism
If shit happens, it’s not really shit.

Islam
If shit happens, it’s the will of Allah.

Protestantism
Shit happens because you don’t work hard enough.

Judaism
Why does this shit always happen to us?

Hinduism
This shit happened before.

Catholicism
Shit happens because you’re bad.

Hare Krishna
Shit happens rama rama.

T.V. Evangelism
Send more shit.

Atheism
No shit.

Jehova’s Witness
Knock knock, shit happens.

Hedonism
There’s nothing like a good shit happening.

Christian Science
Shit happens in your mind.

Agnosticism
Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn’t.

Pastafarianism
Let’s smoke this shit.

Existentialism
What is shit anyway?

Stoicism
This shit doesn’t bother me.

2009-05-03T19:16:00.002+08:00

I went to the airport on Sat to fetch my mom back from China and also due to my craving for Popeye's Chicken.

I remember having it when a group of us sent Gha off to Norway in Aug 2007.

Everything i saw that day is still so fresh in my memories.

It's not an extremely sad moment. Nor something grand that took my breathe away.

Purely sending someone off.

The escalators we took. The toilets we (the boys) peed in. And even the melancholic moment(no surprises here) i had with xuandao before we board the train about the cons of growing up etc. All so lucid and tangible.

I've come to realize i have a penchant for the airport. I love everything about it. Maybe it's the only thing i truly like about Singapore.

Everytime after i saw airplanes fly pass above me when i was still a recruit in Tekong, i just feel so left behind. Left behind on greater things.

The Gateway to Paradise is my appellation for the airport. For me, paradise encompasses anything new and captivating. Anything unbridled. Nothing fettered.

Oh when can i truly peregrinate this bipolar world?

2009-04-18T12:39:00.003+08:00

Sian.

I don't wanna go uni.

No fucking course interest me.

I just wanna join a contemp dance company and dance till i die.

The end of my predictable life.

2009-04-12T07:32:00.003+08:00

A jolly old man sat right next to us while we were eating the last meal of the day in a Thai restaurant.

Just him and himself.

He's not really dressed with the appropriate attire. Just a shirt, shorts, sandals and a wallet.

He's likely to be in he's late sixties, but still has that cherub face with less than expected amount of wrinkles.

Sitting down close-kneed and with a beer, he mingled jovially with the waitress that took down his orders in an unmistakable British accent.

Food came to his table just as we left.

But he made me smile.

You might be thinking something happened or what, but no.

I've never seen anyone alone in a public place but not lonely.

I'd want to do what he did in different ways.

Eat alone, watch movies alone and shop alone.

I'm sick of acting like i have friends like everyone does.

I want to survive by doing what the old man does, whether it was intentional or not. Without the feeling of loneliness.

I love the feeling of doing everything by myself without the prickly discomfiture felt from people's scrutiny.

It is just me and myself.

2009-03-22T23:31:00.003+08:00

My life is going down the drain.

But i really really hope through this i will become a better man.

I hope my slothfulness and detached-ness will vanish.

Many thanks to those few who showed me their concerns be it perfunctorily or from the heart. It helped. Abit.

I won't let anger control me.

2009-03-14T18:33:00.002+08:00

I really need to read books.

My muse for penning down thoughts and ideas is essentially non-existent, to say the least.

The weeks of plebian speak and enforced disciplined has dulled my expressive capabilities.

I refuse to be degraded to such a boorish state.

Hence....any books to intro?!?!? I don't mind purchasing them.

2009-03-08T17:17:00.002+08:00

Going to pass out from BMT this wednesday.

I feel elated.

I might miss the life there though. But it's not something i'm willing to go through a second time. Some things are better left as memories.

And i think NJWD did great for Danceworks 2009. <3

Now to deliberate on which uni course to apply to. Oh headache.

I'm tired of life. As tired as I was when i'm in NJCIP.

2009-03-06T18:56:00.000+08:00

Why is my life like that?
Why am i a boy?
And..why am i born in Singapore?

2009-03-06T16:14:00.001+08:00

Kwokie has no worries for his future anymore!

Mainly because he has none.

When it gets so bad till it's funny, you know you have to do it.

2009-02-28T18:26:00.003+08:00

I will be going for the second dance audition in my life tmr. But unlike the audition for NJWD, the following audition will determine whether i have a blessed or cursed life for the next 2 years.

Gawd. I really really really hope SAF deems me as a useless soldier. I cannot take it anymore.

2009-02-22T16:41:00.001+08:00

I miss NJ.

2009-02-21T14:37:00.003+08:00

Woo finally finished most of the main events of BMT.

Field camp was shit, SIT test was manageable and live range was surprisingly fun. All that's left are IPPT, SOC, live grenade throwing, 16km and 24km route march.

After all the shit, I really learn to appreciate my home and house more. This is probably why i hardly feel like going out with friends or just going out whenever i book-out. I miss everything in my home, from my parents to my computer to my bed to the fresh air to the serenity. Everything. Also some friends.

And of course the civilian food.

In all, the events sculpted my physical and mental endurance. But fortunately or unfortunately, I feel like i'm becoming a loner.

Sian.

2009-02-17T09:50:00.003+08:00

Yaye i'm back for a day!

I'm quite happy because i've cleared most of the major activities in my BMT life so i can sort of slack for the next 3.5 weeks before i passed out hopefully to MDC.

Missed Vday by spending it on an island with my rifle, my -almost- naked buddies and me.

But since i've no vday partner, no hearts were broken. Phew.

And i always listen to the same song pieces and watch the same videos whenever i bookout. I've no idea why but my melancholic mood and passion for dance are always intertwined whenever i'm in touch with my civilian life.

Blearghe see lah now i can't really paragraph whatever i wanna say properly.

Sooo....see ya guys later alligator.

2009-02-07T15:10:00.001+08:00

While girls and boys are living their lives...I'm stucked.

2009-02-07T12:52:00.001+08:00

My ballet blood is rushing throughout my entire system.

2009-01-25T18:19:00.000+08:00

I know that I shall meet my fate
Somewhere among the clouds above;
Those that I fight I do not hate
Those that I guard I do not love;

My country is Kiltartan Cross,
My countrymen Kiltartan’s poor,
No likely end could bring them loss
Or leave them happier than before.

Nor law, nor duty bade me fight,
Nor public man, nor cheering crowds,
A lonely impulse of delight
Drove to this tumult in the clouds;

I balanced all, brought all to mind,
The years to come seemed waste of breath,
A waste of breath the years behind
In balance with this life, this death.

2009-01-24T17:32:00.002+08:00

I miss dance practices.

A hell lot.

And i lost my splits.

>:O

2009-01-24T11:05:00.003+08:00

I'm back on Fri.

The next day which is today, tears flowed.

I'm appreciating my life more.

Many more days to go.

I will survive.

2009-01-07T22:25:00.000+08:00

Bye world.

Hello NS.

2009-01-04T14:57:00.004+08:00

I swear man, i've never ever gotten this feeling before.

Not anger, depression or all those daily feelings etcetera.

But a fanboy-like infatuation!!!

I've never ever liked two girls with unparallelled beauty at the same time and truly want to meet them/be their friend.

It's an irony. But it's so real to me.

I mean after one sees a very beautiful girl and looks at others, he/she will compare and still ultimately like the beautiful girl he last saw.

But now i see two ladies and both of them have goddess-like beauty. When each of them stands alone on stage, i will think that each one of them has peerless elegance/beauty/poise.

It's like even if i watch/look at their videos/pictures one at a time, i still like both alot and that both are incomparable but at the same time comparable with each other. Contradiction!!!!

And if anyone says i'm superficial or what...that may be half-true, for they really seem to be nice girls and have a cute and fun personality. <3

There can never be two queens.

But i found them.

And that's enough.

<3 Ms Colombia and Ms Venezuela 2008 <3

2008-12-28T02:11:00.004+08:00

2008-12-26T14:03:00.001+08:00

Many's the time I ran with you down
The rainy roads of your old town
Many the lives we lived in each day
And buried altogether
Don't laugh at me
Don't look away

You'll follow me back
With the sun in your eyes
And on your own
Bedshaped
And legs of stone
You'll knock on my door
And up we'll go
In white light
I don't think so
But what do I know?
What do I know?
I know!

I know you think I'm holding you down
And I've fallen by the wayside now
And I don't understand the same things as you
But I do

Don't laugh at me
Don't look away

You'll follow me back
With the sun in your eyes
And on your own
Bedshaped
And legs of stone
You'll knock on my door
And up we'll go
In white light
I don't think so
But what do I know?
What do I know?
I know!

And up we'll go
In white light
I don't think so
But what do I know?
What do I know?
I know!

2008-12-24T21:55:00.001+08:00

Why do I have to fly
Over every town up and down the line?
I'll die in the clouds above
And you that I defend, I do not love

I wake up, it's a bad dream
No one on my side
I was fighting
But I just feel too tired
To be fighting
Guess I'm not the fighting kind

Where will I meet my fate?
Baby I'm a man, I was born to hate
And when will I meet my end?
In a better time you could be my friend

I wake up, it's a bad dream
No one on my side
I was fighting
But I just feel too tired
To be fighting
Guess I'm not the fighting kind
Wouldn't mind it
If you were by my side
But you're long gone
Yeah you're long gone now

Where do we go?
I don't even know
My strange old face
And I'm thinking about those days
And I'm thinking about those days

I wake up, it's a bad dream
No one on my side
I was fighting
But I just feel too tired
To be fighting
Guess I'm not the fighting kind
Wouldn't mind it
If you were by my side
But you're long gone
Yeah you're long gone now

2008-12-21T15:45:00.001+08:00

The REAL battle is you by yourself, against another person by yourself.

2008-12-16T23:40:00.002+08:00

Yaye lol-lerskated today.

HUR HUR i've never fell down so many times in my life. Like 6-8 times wtfux.

Still fun though.

And i have no idea how to play bridge + daidee. I'm a flipping noobshitass.

And oh i took an IQ test and got a score of 135, which seems rather lame.

I got like a 95 when i took some IQ test in IP1 or 2, can't rmb.

So i gain like 40 IQ points in a span of 2+ years? I doubt it.

Time for more IQ tests.

To confirm my true stupidity/intelligence.

And to pass time.

Hur hur.

2008-12-15T22:43:00.001+08:00

LALALALALALALA

2008-12-15T01:01:00.001+08:00

Mass adding people on facebook is super fun~!

2008-12-14T18:09:00.002+08:00

My neighbour of many years is about 70+ years old. Maybe in his early to mid 70s.

And he is doing more stuff than me. Like pulling grasses and washing pots etc.

To Abel who might be reading this, does this give you an indication of how my holidays have been so far? Haha.

I'm officially home alone now.

Like FINALLY.

I've been waiting for such "quietness" for quite long. Though it might only be a few hours, but wtheck.

Just me and the crickets in the forest behind my house, as well as my elderly neighbour.

One thing that came to my mind while daydreaming... is whether educated people like me can turn out to be wastrels or parasites? Like unwilling to work and just losing their motivation to find jobs/girlfriends/friends and just...life? Its becoming very real to me.

A stroke of bad luck that i'm endowed with such a lassitude mind?

I think so leh. I'm finding lesser and lesser reasons why i'm inflicted with this so-called prolonged depression crap. Positive thinking does little to the bastion of pessimism residing within my soul.

I'm born with it i think.

You know what, though my brother has been quite useless in some aspects of his life which i will not say, he still is an accomplished investment banker. And that's the first thing people in the adult world will judge any strangers on - their career.

At least he can earn money every month, which obviously is the engine that makes people's world go round. He had like 4-5 girlfriends since 18 years old to now. Which makes it 4-5 girlfriends in 13 years. That's an accomplishment too.

Although i might be a better person(and i'm proud to say this), i still fail in the pragmatic and social aspects. If i was writing a General Papers essay on my life, i will just be touching on minor points and just barely pass it.

I love and hate blogging. I love it because i can write whatever shit is in my mind and not worry about it being marked. I hate it because all the blogs i read excluding mine, all show signs of progression. Progression in relationships, friendships, passions, goals, happiness etc. In my blog's archives from mid 2006 onwards, i've been harping on the same damn issues till today.

I'm sad not because i feel sad. No that's not it. I'm sad because i feel embarressed/sad for my friends/family that know/like/love me, like as though they have wasted their lives knowing me. And perhaps just some sadness due to emptiness and not being versatile in dance bah.

I want to be like Bear Grylls, the main guy of Man vs Wild. I got caught on to it since i've watched it during Prom Night(or morning) in Swissotel. He is a guy that travels to the most extreme places like Siberia, Nevada Desert and Costa Rican rainforest and then tries to survive in it with usually a magnesium flint, a small knife, a camping mug and just parachute strings. And the landscapes of the places just amazes me, even though it's from a screen and detracts the main purpose of the show. Just him and the world. That would be a nice life.

Maybe for me it will just be just me, my parents, my very good friends, a special someone and the world.

Such incoherence.

Time for a book?

Argh fuck.

2008-12-11T01:10:00.002+08:00

Everyone is going everywhere.

The struggle between pursuing their dreams and hanging on to past relationships is more poignant to many people now.

But of course the former is what EVERYONE will take.

And...i need to run.

Because besides randomly jumping around my house, my whole body is deteriorating.

No, actually it's almost dead.

The reality of the world outside an academic institution is going to take its toll on me.

I wonder...

Will it be something i hunger for, or will i be like a little ant pressed under a thumb?

2008-12-09T20:33:00.003+08:00

I'm bored bored bored.

I watching people go out with their friends and i'm bored.

I go out(when i do, that is) and i'm bored.

I live and i'm bored.

Governed by this thing called emotions is a drag.

I want to feel nothing.

..
..
..
..

I'm not living as a human should.

By my definition.

2008-12-07T01:40:00.003+08:00

Occupations serve to fulfill man's needs.

Their avarice, survival, fetishes, whims, pleasure and the list goes on.

Which one of such needs do i find i'm most willing to carry out in the expense of my time and effort?

Something that i have a passion for and am willing to undertake for the next 50+ years.

Need to make a choice now.

Need to find that flame.

2008-12-06T14:56:00.002+08:00

I think FaceBook is an interesting thing.

Not because i can mass add random friends/people i do not talk to just to feel good and friend-ful OR waste a whole day playing games(ironically, i'm actually doing it now =.=), but because i can add teachers (MS LIM possibly!!) and my dancer idol (DANIIL SIMKIN).

Yaye lah Daniil just accepted me wor!

Hahahaha!

But of course i guess he just accepts everyone who added him T_T

But at least I did know i interacted "indirectly" with him some way or the other and that he is online.

Haha now i know what it feels like to be a fanboy.

But of course i'm a fan because of his dancing/charisma/strength...and not looks.

I hope Ms Lim replies me!!!!!!!!

2008-12-05T21:15:00.002+08:00

Has anyone gotten so sian until you get a headache because you're thinking so hard of what to do next?

2008-12-04T09:49:00.004+08:00

Okay so i failed the Basic Theory Test.

But i wasn't depress about failing this particular test itself.

I was depress because i failed it even though i thought i knew most of the answers.

During some of the A lvl papers, i also thought i knew many of the answers enough to get me an A.

I don't think so now.

The driving test can be retaken many times, but for the A lvls................

SHIT MAN!

The human mind deceives!!!! Argh!!!!!!!!!!

2008-12-03T20:43:00.003+08:00

Channel 8 and Channel U are bombarding their viewers with Nyonya/Peranakan stuff that i seem to be in a kueh mood now o.O

WTH man.

I miss Malaysian kueh!

Sheesh.

I don't mind having some cultural background.

2008-12-03T11:25:00.019+08:00

So Gerard, the first guy in NJ i assume, have already gone to Teeer Kooong. Actually not yet since the sending-off ceremony is 5 hours if i remember correctly. But still he must be at the ferry terminal or touring around Teeer kooong with his parents. Or so i think.

Anyway GOOD LUCK to him. He WILL need it. ALOT of it.

This is damn lame and dumb.

Even such a smart guy like XD says so too.

Even someone like my brother who experienced it before says so too.

Even my father who had gone through it a long long time ago subtly puts it in a negative light from what i perceive.

It's a perfect waste of 1 year and 10 months. It doesn't make one mature. One girl in my class said that boys in China LOOK mature after going through the army. But i doubt so lor. Perhaps now they are more tolerant, and that's about it. Tolerant of shit that can be thrown at them by their future girlfriends and stuff.

My bro said that we'd be digging trenches in some ulu jungle and then sleeping in it, pee in it and shit around it for days and night, surrounded by flies, mozzies and shitflies. We will do shit which will be useless to our country for at least 90 more years till our Earth's natural resources run dry and countries are forced to colonise each other. That's when we will need the army. We don't need it now when we are friends with practically almost every single lizards in the world. Heck we will even be the first country to be able to send men and women to have sex with aliens to form the first human-alien hybrid to sell off as slaves for other alien planets and make MONEY out of it. We are so economically viable that no one will even dare to attack us. The hell man.

We the "most normal in kwok's standards" men of my country, will live with "cool" ah bengs, cowards and people who have almost zero empathy for others. We will live with elitists and those holier than thou idiots. And we'll also live with nerdy weaklings who is so clingy they are like puppies and you're like the alpha dog. This is total bullshit. It's a test of tolerance, not maturity. The maturity to tolerate people bah. But it doesn't really makes one mature holistically, like in thought, emotionally and most of all psychologically.

I think i will lack emotional maturity. I might just be so fed up with the asses i'm living with and breathing the same claustrophobic air with that i will just end their misery for them and myself and then appear on some newspaper headlines the next few days.

And after the many(yes MANY, EVEN 1 is MANY for christ's sake) deaths/injuries sustained by An Ass men throughout the years etcetera and the government promised us, PROMISED US that there will be changes to the system. The fuck they will change the system that has already proceeded so well for so many years and so opaquely concealed. We never know wtf those high-handed, cocksucking commandos/squad leaders are doing to the poor slaves (recruits that i'll be) NOW. At this very moment.

The government said they will revamp the system wor. Like make the training a little less exhausting to appease parents and opposition parties. Then after those comments, some idiotic pregnant women or idiotic men who experienced army like 20+ years ago will post comments on the newspaper saying we're getting weak/no motivation/less appealing to girls and all the fallacious shit.

Do you even KNOW the word called WILLINGNESS? Come on, in the first place we are COERCED into it you retards. ALL HUMANS naturally/intrinsically/biologically have different willpower levels/pain threshold depending on the nature of the environment they grow up with and the physical attributes they are NATURALLY ENDOWED with. Which normal hedonistic human being would want to subject oneself to the Shit of Mother Nature? Only retards do. I personally am very EASILY psychologically drain as my life sucks, which will then spiral down to an intense emotional and physical ennui. You think we wanna RISK our PRECIOUS LIVES and FUTURE for some fucking MASS 10KM+ runs and exercises ordered/demanded by some 20 year old loud-mouthed, prematurely retarded, self-important schmuck?

Jeeez. NO WAY MAN. You want a man that is hunky or whatever? Go fuck an Orang Utan. They are hunky and strong. And they probably would be strong enough to fulfill whatever fetish you have for you to shut the hell up.

Anyway, we are doing IT because we don't wanna invite any more trouble which we cannot avoid to our already shitty lives in some confined crappy place and not worrying our parents who are close to their golden years. Hence we roll around and play dead to whoever commands us.

Some might do it because they wanna get more ugly bulky muscles and whatever, ask them go ahead. Just go ahead you retards. Show off your body to the trees and dogs and cats. Or maybe even the snails on the ground who really appreciates your stinking shitty Asian body.

Like European bodies do not look "hotter and manlier" than stumpy yellowish Asian ones.

...
...
...
...

Will continue with the rant at a later date.

For now i am STILL deciding whether or not to go for senior's farewell, like i'm SOOOO invited that i do not have the sms, date, place and TIME passed down to me. Only when Shi told me then i know the DAY of the thingy. And only when i visited the blog that i know the VENUE of the thingy.

Wow i REALLY feel damn invited. And after the above rant i will be so ENTHUSED about going.

Jeez.

2008-12-02T20:05:00.005+08:00

My head is throbbing.

And it's due to sleeping for 6 hours after one whole night of not sleeping.

Prom Night was okay.

Really.

Although it was the only formal party I go to in my life besides weddings, it was not really that WOW for me.

And i think it's mostly because I don't have a camera to bring around with me and was thus always stuck to the chair until someone wants to take a picture with me.

And the 01 rendezvous after prom was bittersweet.

I have to admit many girls in my class were really really pretty. Felt quite strange to stand next to them when some do not have any clothes at the shoulder area and/or the back area. Haha. But it was still nice nonetheless.

The feeling was rather nostalgic when we had to squeeze in a room in a tiny hotel room just like we did in our IP1 chalet. And it really seems like yesterday when I had the IP1 chalet. Haha.

"Slept" under the table below the television, which was virtually switched on the whole night and coupled with boisterous laughters from my classmates. Though i mind it cause i was genuinely shagged, but heck it.

Rushed home at 7am to wash myself up and went to the airport to send off Silvia. Heh that was like the first and only time I've truly talked to her because I do not have any chance to even meet up with her during the course of this A level year.

But oh wells. Haha had a great time anyway. Was really super sleepy and so unwittingly talked some gibberish which was totally no link. But can't help it man, that's me at my sleepiest. Kinda regretful because the only time i was sending her off is at my most embarressing/sleepiest/retarded moment. Shit it.

And I have to say, the journey to the airport brings me so much happiness. As i saw the enormous runway with palm trees at the side near the fences, it just brings me this sort of liberation and happiness. It was really also nostalgic at the same time since the last time i went overseas(not Malaysia) was like 9+ years ago. The airport is just so freaking huge and beautiful and classy. Terminal 3 was really beautiful. So big, empty, quiet and just...beautiful.

I love the airport. Especially the cleanliness. I will say it's one of the most beautiful things my eyes ever set its gaze on in my life.

And yeah so sent her off at 12:45pm. Haha bloody hell she only has like Windows 98 comp at her home, which is just hilarious. So yeah will not be contacting her till like PERHAPS 2 years time, to think of the worst.

Was not really sad though. Because i know paths will still cross if fate allows.

And i have to say that i appreciate the time she spent on a weird dork like me. I'm boring, goalless, not humorous, inept at talking and vulgar but still she disregards those things. Well maybe most of those things.

Thanks so much. And you're my friend not solely because i'm grateful. But because every friends are special and you're one of them. *If you're reading this I know you must be tearing HAHAHA*

Have a great time over there.

My head is not throbbing now.

Yaye.

=)

2008-11-30T22:40:00.001+08:00

My legs are superliciously tired, and i hate smokers and i still haven't finish prom shopping.

Rahh.

2008-11-29T18:19:00.002+08:00

And, i still have no idea what to wear for prom and where to get them :/

2008-11-29T16:38:00.004+08:00

Thanks-Giving Day was um...yesterday i guess.

I wish Singapore celebrates it like the Americans, where friends and families would come over and bring food and eat turkeys and where cousins can play and frolic in the sunshine yadda yadda....

But too bad, it would only look weird/strange if any Singaporean families did that. Of course i'm sure some eclectic ones do.

Talking about days of celebrations, I really love Christmas Day.

It's not really a day when i receive presents and the day when friends come over and talk rubbish or anything. Also, i don't give a damn about the origins of it.

It's just an especially nice day when everyone(i hope) is at home with their families, and my neighbour is happy and boisterous laughters fills the air as they play soccer etc. Christmas songs brings me back to the time when my father/mother/yours truly were still rather...youthful and happier then. And of course when the world is happier.

It's the day when I can truly imagine myself skiing/riding in snow mobiles as i watch Home Alone 1/2/3. Sort of a cheap thrill really. It's basically the day of wondrous imaginations for me. And watching all the Christmas cartoons where animals and humans alike get to receive presents from the bearded, pot-bellied, undying man by being good throughout the year. It brings a true smile on my face.

I really wish some form of cool wintry breeze would just brush across my face as i stick my head out of the window on 25th Dec.

I will be sufficiently put into a pleasant mood.

2008-11-26T17:28:00.003+08:00

Those who are able to live life are those that find everything interesting.

I'm doomed.

Bye.

2008-11-23T20:42:00.004+08:00

I will never ever go to any ballet schools in Russia ever.

Not that i can anyway, just that i won't even if i could.

Their faces are just the epitome of resignation, the young girls that is.

It's not that they hate ballet, but more within the lines of hating themselves for loving ballet too much that they have to go through such a torturous journey and being cut off from the world just for 10+ years of stage performances.

Dance is life anyway, can't blame them.

Ces't La Vie.

On another note, amidst the excitement for prom amongst the clique-ish boys and girls, I on the other hand want to pon it.

Haha. And it's not because i'm anti-establishment or self-important or anything, but basically prom is wholly for the cliques.

It's a tacit truth which can even be seen by the blind.

And having no specific cliques such as yours truly, it will definitely be an awkward night of standing around looking like a loner-ish fool.

I initially wanted to eschew from buying a 70 bucks ticket but seeing how enthused some of my classmates were in asking me to go for prom for whatever reasons, and that one of my friend also going to some camp so there's an extra seat available, i relented anyway.

But come to think of it, what other reasons other than perfunctory and propriety that spurred them to ask me along? Is Prom really something everyone must go through so that one will fit in with the crowd?

I exceptionally hate awkward situations. It's the bane of my existence.

Hmm.

So fuck it. =D

I'm gonna pon. Well 75% probability anyway.

Take the 70 bucks as donations.

Oh and sorry to whoever's reading for being so negative. =D

2008-11-20T15:32:00.003+08:00

There are basically two groups of people in this world which i'm thinking of now.

One is the pseudo-omniscient, one is the relatively more ignorant.

This is the only time i pride myself in being the former.

One setback though: Tiresome.

And now i am still clueless as to what to do.

Well i guess this is the result of having few desires and whims to satisfy.

-.-

2008-11-19T18:19:00.004+08:00

This will sound dumb but damn, i felt as shitty as i was during the exams.

I know i'm liberated from mindless studying and all that, but now that i've nothing to do...urgh i feel like an empty shell.

Jeezzzz.

At least with mindless studying, i'm able to like at least read some shit and feel nervous and get the adrenaline rushing and all that, but now there's like emptiness and nothingness.

Shit man even playing games that i used to like doesn't help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And i dunno why but i feel going out to watch movies etc will also be so damn boring!!!!

Even as i'm watching free ones at home *ahem*, they are also so bloody dry.

WAI LIDDAT NEH?!

I admit i'm like the most easily bored person in the world. But there must be at least one thing interesting in the world that i can do!!!!!!!!!!

And no dancing is not something i should do since i've been "dancing" in my room every since aristal stopped.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to like play in snow or like explore the haunted places of Singapore or like go for some adventure quest in some jungle.

OR even go for some diving shit.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~!!!!! TIAN ARH!!!!!!!!! TIAN YAO TA XIA LAI LE AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think i really would prefer to die at the age of like 40 or something. URGH.

And luckily or unluckily, i'm not the only one feeling this. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-11-18T15:20:00.003+08:00

Woo just finished the A Levels!

The word "A levels" sounds really grandiose to me, because afterall it's really the mother of all pre-uni exams and ultimately the first gatekeeper to our future.

And i've surmounted it.

I can't say i've conquered it though. Sounds too hopeful, and like the old saying goes: the higher the hopes the higher the disappointments.

Many can finally heave a sigh of relief. Boy, was it a tough ride for most of us.

All the disappointments to the self-chidings to the short-lived elations to the long hours cooped up in the library to the long hours cooped up in one room and being cut off from the world etc. It was a hellish journey.

But finally it's over.

I have to thank our teachers for being so supportive and encouraging. Esp thanks Ms Lim for the small thingy which i have yet to open and being not once angry at the class for being listless in class. Oh yeah and Mr Chan for the many physics consultations, Ms Heng for the "chilli-padi-ish" way of teaching, Ms Teo for being so nice and receptive to ideas for GP and Mr Cheng for being a good maths tutor.

And most of all to my parents which i have displaced to my other room for 2 months to facilitate my study mood and allow a bigger space for me to jump around like a human monkey.

I need to move physically to get my brains working...which is a weird thing...or quirk.

Ok done. Time to slack. Cyaz.

2008-11-15T19:47:00.003+08:00

I blame them.

Why?!

Why did they have me so late?!

I should have emerged at least 6 years ago and working to provide for the household now.

Why?!

I'm anachronistic.

After all the epiphanies since the day i step into IP, i realise i cannot live in the present.

I don't need people to try to understand anymore, cause i don't give a shit.

Afterall, they are living in their own world and they are building another one for their future. Why should i be the killjoy really?

And i won't.

I need to force myself to mature faster. Faster. Faster. Faster....

Those furrowed brows are getting droopier, droopier, droopier...

Time passes so slow now. I used to think it was fast, as i watch the sunrise and sunset almost in tandem.

But now it's crawling. Everyday as i try to while it away as best as i can, it's still crawling. Everyday as i try to be aloof and phlegmatic, it's still crawling. Everyday as i imagine thy body at the bottom of a building in a pool of red effluence, it's still crawling. Crawling, crawling, crawling.

Dance will not be my future. It will not be my career. And it cannot be. I have not fulfilled my duties, i can't be so selfish and not reciprocate.

The beliefs and the sacrifices, the body that is flogged in all directions, the mental exhaustion, the long-dead promised eternal love, the clandestine discourses, and the cupidity of the bourgeois.

My life's becoming a drama. It's surreal till it's shocking. I'm blown away at how much has been spilled. And is nervously anticipating what is still retained.

Really, who isn't covetous? Especially the vainer sex. But this constant dissonance in the ears of the debilitated should cease.

I hope i can stop it. Hope.

Life was good in retrospect. I like being within the barrier of ignorance. I like being innocent.

Now i understand what is real life. Life in the real world.

I will miss NJCIP. Not for cliched reasons, but because i felt sheltered. I felt that though life sucked, it sucked because of physical ones. Now it's gonna be both.

As i scroll over my MSN list and see how people are annoyed at little things, flirting around with frivolity and living in their own world, i thought well...good on you guys.

You guys are lucky.

And i'm lucky too.

Cause i think the path to my future is a little bit clearer, which is better than nothing.

2008-11-14T16:39:00.002+08:00

Thy middle name should be: careless as fuck.

Haiz.

Who cares...

2008-11-13T18:46:00.003+08:00

After going to exampaper.com.sg and saw the H2 maths solution, i was really blown away.

I thought that paper 1 was actually quite hard, and to think some people actually got 89 and 96 marks for it.

I said I didn't care when i posted the last post, because i thought well, everyone was quite morose after it, and so it doesn't really matter whether i made the mistakes i made etc coz it was gonna be a bell-curve thingy.

But i was wrong.

So wrong.

Seriously if more of other people in other schools get that kind of marks as stated above, this future of mine is gonna be bleak as fuck.

Jesus. Now i have REALLY come to terms with my stupidity.

And this feeling is really enigmatic.

I feel chagrined even.

2008-11-12T19:31:00.009+08:00

Before this, i always thought 5 As was nothing.

Parents were hanging it on their lips as though their children will be taking some primary school CA exam or something, like it's gonna be a ride through the park.

But after much bombardment by Cambridge papers, i realise those people i mentioned are bloody assholes who are thinking for themselves.

Seriously.

This whole path and journey we, or I, have undertaken from prelims onwards is arduous to a suicidal extent.

Going home and having nothing to do and facing literally walls of files/notes. Food doesn't taste great anymore and instead of watching the favourite 8pm show (which is quite crap but better than nothing) i have to eat at accelerated pace before i became unglued and i can't study and concentrate etc. You don't talk, don't laugh, don't smile basically. And smiles are usually wry to obligate the perfunctories as they are hindering your mind from memorising that physics definition.

And during the exams, you hear people moan, groan about that 1 mark they lose and you just wanna put an end to their misery. And you hear accounts of happiness, but those are short-lived due to some bell curve formula Cambridge is using. And the regretful and the morose complaining that they never study enough and you truly want to snigger at them in the most sarcastic way possible. And how my outlook is changing which is pretty evident from my above 3 sentences.

Surprisingly, I don't feel anything after the last 10 papers. I did my best and I know my fallibility as an imperfect human being. I don't care if that 10 marks differentiation question eludes my intelligence for that last 1 hour, or that two cocksucking 10 marks econs questions that i failed to complete. Or even that GP essay topic which I have never touched before and i said to myself "What the hell, let's just do it since it looks fun". It won't change the fact that i gave my all and truly i don't give a shit at the final outcome.

5 As determines face, pride, ego, class, perceptions, judgements, future prospects and an aesthetic sense of uniformity on a piece of laminated paper.

For me, it's just 5 letters.

It can range from A to C for all i care.

It's so boring caring about such stuff.

Yawns.

2008-11-09T18:36:00.004+08:00

I wish i am allowed by god/government/sanity to temporarily relinquish social laws for these two days as i really want to fucking kill people.

Right now.

Or maybe a punching bag with either the face of a fucking asshole or just someone irritating would be nice.

It's all econs fault man, i swear to god.

It's not my innate nature to be sociopathic and to want to kill people, but econs is making me become insane man.

Serious.

That's how shitty it is.

And i'm glad to have this non-responsive medium to convey my feelings to, for if it were some arbitrarily logical and intellectual living thing i'm talking to right now, they will never understand my current feelings, perhaps due to propriety and purity of the mind or whatever.

I think i might be about 85% dead after i get through this.

Not the physical aspects of course.

And I can already feel its odious and consuming miasma coursing through my psyche.

Nice.

2008-11-07T16:03:00.002+08:00

Halfway there.

Not like the end is that exciting anyway.

Just a short period after this and i will be -like the rest of my male counterparts-, a fucking dog of 2 years for my nation i really would love to protect. It's as if i really know all the people here and that i really love them blah blah blah.

And all these is just to fulfill the grand old conspiracy that some day, in this age where amicable bilateral relations are easily fostered by the veneer of mutual economic gains and that terrorists have nothing better to do than to hate Asians; that there's a teeny, tiny, incy, wincy, bitsy probability that somehow our nation will be targetted by some pieces of human wastes that have nothing better to do, and hence all men must waste 2 fucking years of their long lives to stem this "large" probability.

When people say just suck it up and "be a man" and waste theirs lives or whatever to boost their own masculinity etcetera, it's just a perfect example of the unquestioning attribute of a truly gullible idiot and a pathetic excuse of an educated person. Seriously, even though to me at this point in time when i'm typing, 2 years have indeed gone past really quick, it's wholly because i didn't give two hoots about my surroundings most of the time. But i will in the next two. And wow is it facilitated by the most beautiful obligation of patriotism ever!

A point is made that we must reciprocate due to the nation bringing us up (our parents actually) and there's no natural disaster (geographical fluke basically) and there's no terrorism, war, riots etc (minuscule population that can be easily policed) and stable economic growth (isn't that what an average, sensible developed country of this age should achieve?). And wow, did i already argued my points. Maybe i should just thank my country for being sensible. Yeah maybe that. But two years is still....whatever man. I don't give a shit. Muahaha.

Urgh okay i'm done.

Hurrah!

2008-11-05T19:42:00.003+08:00

I think having too many friend's a drag.

Because no amount of "trivial" friends beats having a few good friends.

And no amount of "good" friends beats having one best friend.

And no amount of best friends beats having comfort in being alone and in tune with one's intrapersonal realm.

And i say this not because the feeling reverberates through me at this particular point in time, but because my mind is illogically processing things from discreet, but nonetheless keen observations of this anthropological fabric we call the human race.

And it's true come to think of it.

Because i think it's wholly boring talking/interacting with people on circumstantial bases and it's those things which one really wants to eschew from.

Only one knows what he's interested in.

And being fickle and easily spiritless person such as yours truly, a global context such as today doesn't really complement his character development much.

Just the the GP passage which talked about the "annihilation of distances", i agree to a large extent this is also annihilating the silence we all need.

The silence when people/machines/animals just need to shut the fuck up.

If i ever believe in any religion for some incredulous and self-gratifying reasons, it would be solipsism.

Ahh, shit. This is such a waste of neurons, which in fact can be diverted into more "useful" memorisings and worryings.

2008-10-31T20:32:00.004+08:00

Revelations, revelations.

Even some parents have their own clandestine tensions, made known to posterity in hushed dinnertimes.

I'm really lucky i have no wants or needs (for now).

Really really lucky.

I'm lucky to be educated. And nurture this endogenous ability to view the world in a third party's viewpoint.

And, I've noticed that the breadwinner have suffered, alot.

Alot.

Too much.

I would give him half my life if i could. But i can't.

I only see curved back and furrowed brows.

The consciousness is waning. Dementia is impending.

It irks me, pains me to see the natural, but cruel degeneration of a human being that bore me.

Is this something that will spur me to fulfill their minimum expectation - live a good life?

Yes.

For the simple reason that ultimately, death is the corollary of ageing.

And i've yet to fulfill my duties as an offspring that lives on their generous sacrifices and discomfitures.

And i want to.

I want to give them a good life.

I would really want to change my brain to change my current morbid mindset.

Really.

To end it, life is really painful. It is. It is not for the deluded and the inexperienced. And i can say i'm barely a greenhorn.

The breadwinner is a veteran. I can say his being now is a mere vestige of his youthful days.

Having a positive mindset is wonderful, but the gaining of epiphanies along life's journey in order to possess that elusive "mindset of happiness", that is tough. And it is made even harder when slogging to ensure the holistic happiness of the family.

I will do it for him.

For for every input, there must be an output. I can't waste the input.

Never.

Ever.

For the efforts and existence of the human being - my life's nurturer, confidant, guidepost, moral compass and donater - shall be remembered, cherished, loved and passed on.

But for now, juggling such musings with information and morbid thoughts is really a pain in the ass.

/pain

2008-10-28T19:17:00.003+08:00

Have it ever got so shitty that it's stupid trying to even find solace within overwhelming gloominess and self-absorbedness?

This is the first time i'm feeling it and by golly, is it something special.

You don't even eat right and sleep right anymore, your life's a fucking mess.

There's no more afternoons since it's spent doing whatever shit you're doing, and there's only remembrance of the time you wake up and the time you are knocked-out.

The rest is just a shitty mess of blur.

It's like the holistic aspects of the being has changed.

But i don't really feel anything.

Just that i get really fucking irritated with social situations and the very fact that my parents keep nagging at me to fucking eat "well" and making things complex as well as my increasing paranoia that makes me want to fucking kill stupid and retarded people i know and don't know without remorse.

Eat well? Yeah i'm eating well all right. I'm eating shit and yeah, that's enough to fill my stomach for now.

I know i might look back at this shitty post in the future where i'm probably possibly a relatively "happier" and "successful" person.

But for now, let me savour this delicacy.

2008-10-25T19:59:00.002+08:00

This shit is a fucking drag.

Good luck to our younger schoolmates.

2008-10-22T20:05:00.002+08:00

Sweet heavens!

Time's passing so fast!

And my body is slacking now, even though my mind's telling me to dive into my notes!

How now brown cow!

Sweet heavens!

2008-10-21T20:24:00.001+08:00

Oh my God!

Jesus Christ!

2008-10-19T18:56:00.002+08:00

Oh.....my.....God!

2008-10-17T21:04:00.002+08:00

Oh man, the Russian Ballet Gala yesterday evening was nothing but awesome and inspiring.

It was quite surreal as it was the first time in a long while since i went to a concert and a ballet one at that!!!!

When the lights dimmed, the music starts playing and the pointe shoes start clicking on the parquet floor, that was when i'm really watching a live ballet man!!!

Whee.

Okay monologue-ish ballet talk ahead which only 1 person knows wth i'm talking about...

Omg la the La Sylphide ballerina was one of the, if not THE, highlights of the show. She is presently only a corps de ballet, meaning that she is one of the "calafare" dancers or the background dancers. But! She rocked the stage more than the other dancers who are soloists and was even on par with the prima ballerina Ryhzkina! I'm talking about Anastassia Stachkevich. And she is super small plus very very cute with pinchable cheeks, almost like a innocent little pixie. And she seems nice too argh! D-:

And i also saw the famous fouette scenes materialize in front of me. Wow lah omg! I can't even do 1 fouette for nuts man. And they do like 30+ fouettes -.-ll. The girls overall were really awesome. Though i would really love to see Zakharova and Osipova being invited here. I would love to see their "freak of nature-ish" extensions so bad!!! Imagine being able to lift your legs, straight; extended; effortless and touching your head with it. Wth!!!

The guys were okay lah. Their pirouettes were not to die for. Kinda sloppy for most. Perhaps because its second night bah. Plus their a la seconde pirouettes were okay. Dmitry, being a premier danseur was better than the rest in turns. But i have to fucking rave about Andrei Bolotin. His tour en'lair was awesome!!!! Especially the three consecutive turns. His en de hor air turns was great too!!! Another guy which i think was Anton Ploom or something has great en dedans turns. Urgh jealous jealous!

Urgh luckily my favourite (or the ones i actually know) 3 ballet acts were shown sia. The Flames De Paris guy the famous entrance split jete dunno become what liao wtf! The Le Corsaire never show the Ali variation!!! And the Don Quixote never show the bravura scene!!!!!

BUT, i'm definitely not a killjoy. I still LOVE the show very much. Ohh Anastassia! <3<3<3 I'm really lucky to kena invited by Silvia to this thingy. So......thanks again even though you might not see this! I love the Gala! Ooooh!

Dance! <3

That's the only thing i can think of.

2008-10-16T13:22:00.003+08:00

This dance is breathtaking, to me at least.
The first guy who looks like a dancing Egyptian/Greek prince is just so suave.
I wish Mr Dan, who is NJWD's contemp choreographer and who is a brilliant guy would choreograph something like this after the A lvls and ya know, kinda invite some seniors back.... >=D

2008-10-14T18:59:00.003+08:00

Dammit i'm not going school tmr. Sick of the lib.

The feeling of just letting all my human energy be absorbed by the surroundings and becoming a limp, inert pile of resignation is too overpowering.

Many thanks to the last drip of will that prevented the embarressment.

Christ.

Salvation please.

At least make food tasty again.

2008-10-10T17:36:00.003+08:00

2 days and 12 + 9.5 hrs spent in the @#$%^&*($%^ library.

Productive?

Hmm.

If more blank-staring sessions and a moist butt counts.

I feel wasted.

I think Econs students will get really strong forearms soon.

Ces't La Vie.

2008-10-08T18:21:00.004+08:00

Today started off crappier than expected, with the assembly extending to like 40 minutes long.

Was feeling itchy in the wrong places and the sweltering heat did help by making me feel irritable. I was kinda whining which is damn retarded.

Conversations were flying around me like oversized and horny flies which did not add one bit of excitement to the lengthy prize presentations which what i will call "who gives a fuck about it other than the recipients" crap.

The day started okay. Lessons were titter-tottering between dreariness and emptiness.

And finally the day ended. All in the blink of an eye. To my dismay as i expect some sort of time lag due to expected subconscious reluctance for school to end or something. But hey, who cares now.

Technically it's not the official, but still, it's the end.

No more lessons in classrooms.

No more eating school food.

No more reliving of past memories.

I feel ambivalent. That's a great word to use now. Heck that's a great word to use in any dilemmas.

I always yearn to get my ass out of NJ, but when it is really the time to go, i am feeling a tinge of sadness. I'm sure many are feeling the same too.

4 years is a freaking, freaking long time. It's like 20% of my time on earth spend in one school.

I've entered at 14+ yrs old, the time when i loved pokemon, digimon and apprehensive of dancing with a girl until now, 18 y/o, a man exuding endless charisma and with a passion to bring a change to the world. *Hears some suans...* Okay lemme rephrase. An 18 y/o man who just desires for peace and to dance.

4 years of a life spent on something will not be simply washed off just by the desire to be free and forget the past.

It has changed my life. To a large extent i guess. Whether i know it or not.

I've first experienced being truly shy during mass dances when i had to hold a girl's hand, being amazed at the subject of philosophy and the many teachings when i was studying MI, having done well once for math and studies, having raging hormornes taking over me during certain periods, being a breakdancer with my good friend outside my ip1/2 classroom, being lonely, being a loner, being detached, being suicidal, being addicted, being empty, being invigorated, being happy after periods of gloom, being addicted again, being in a new ip3 environment, being happy just to have 3 of us for all the same lessons for 3 months, having being swept off my feet again, having a sudden passion for dance, having people introduce me into the dance world, being lazy, being gloomy, being detached, being detached more, being happy as i got into dance, being left out since i'm a stranger in a new environment, being expressionless, being depressed, being stressed, being worn-out since i got home at 8pm+, being comfortable in my new cca, having my passion conflagarate my heart, making great friends, admiring the soul of my choreographer, and then the happiness, liberation, passion, teamwork, hugs, camwhoring and the appreciation all in one night of Aristal, the chalet, the gloom, the birthday rage, the gloom, the gloom, the depression, being suicidal, suicidal, suicidal, the anger at humanity, overcome by stress, stress, stress, motonony, dreariness and finally today, it's the end.

All in one paragraph.

And of course for the next paragraph: I have to thank my friends. Be those that i communicate on a regular basis, or those that i talk to very rarely, you guys have made tiny little waves in my tiny little life.

Now got that off my chest.

I feel really comfortable.

Blogs are great this way.

Heh.

3 more weeks plus.

Soooo..............

FREAKING CHIONG ARH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-10-07T19:42:00.003+08:00

I think being a siao + zi-high ass-hole is a rewarding thing in times of crapdom.

At least emobugs are not spread around.

And thoughts won't run wild in that cranium.

I do hope my teacher appreciates my crappy drawing. Muahaha.

Well at least i gave laughters to at least one person. Not bad.

2008-10-06T20:20:00.005+08:00

Being people and the dominant species, we are different from other animated living things because we have bigger brains to accomodate more complex thought processes. Of course i'm talking as though i'm like a third party observer, which is totally besides the point.

Communication is a unique ability of animated living things. It enables one to interact with others of our kind. It's a gift from nature that we are able to communicate and learn about other beings. For humans, when we communicate, we are learning about other people's aspirations, beliefs, character, interests, feelings, thoughts, moods and the list goes on.

More often than not, it just brings a warm fuzzy feelings to all our hearts that one human is actually interacting with one another. It shows care, concern, interest, an overt display of personality and the occasional perfunctory obligations.

But somehow, a few unlucky(for the lack of a better word) social beings are unable to, how to put it, communicate in a comfortable setting with his/her intended person; or group of people. It's as though the connection is there, but it's only a rusty modem that's sustaining the connection. When the intended person is with others, usually a unique herd, it's as though a broadband connection is set up, from say a Singtel Mio 2Wire modem.

As an experienced selectively social being, being unlucky and uncomfortable initially make myself go through a period of musings. Yeah sad, but as soon as I start observing that around me, there are people like that too, I feel not as left out. It's as though even though you feel like shit, some people also feels like shit at the same moment or at the moment of your observation. Strangely, I do feel a tinge of comfort when I see "being in the same boat" situations. Maybe it's because i'm a man. Oh whatever.

But don't worry guys/girls. I guess that we are unique/abnormal in a sense that we don't communicate in a trite, perfunctory way. For me, I feel communicating in a usual, Singaporean-ish, gender-entrenched-ish manner is boring. Imagine saying hi and being obliged to talk to someone you don't know well. Wtf! Maybe i'm some hermit just emerging out of Flower Fruit mountain or something, but whatever.

May we get to know people who are as unique or socially inept(whatever way you see it as) as us in the future.

2008-10-04T20:53:00.004+08:00

A plethora of incongruous images flit by everytime i'm in a willed daze.

The distant future brings so much hope.

One instance, I picture myself in Paris and walking the city of romance with my lover and friends and admiring the night lights etc. I'm a Paris Opera Ballet principal dancer, and many fans adore me. I can leap high, turn impeccably and most certainly exude an alluring charm that is the essence of my staying power. My lover is my Pas De Deux partner and she has equal charm and fame as I have. My retreat would be in a friendly neighbourhood full of boisterity and down-to-earth dudes and dudettes.

In another, I'm living in some hut in some secluded corner of Australia/New Zealand. My garden is an expanse of grassland; untouched, unpenetrated by avaricous poachers or adventurous trekkers. The road winds outwards towards the horizon with the backdrop of mountains and forests. I have a virtuous wife and fours kids with equal distribution of both genders. I have a horse named Pony and a humble barn with chickens, ducks, pigs, cows etc. I live by being appreciative of nature and its wondrous sights.

I'm back in Singapore again, this time with friends mostly from NJCIP, Dance(some), Uni and others. I'm still living in my present house. My father and mother are still old but alive, healthy and happy. They are proud of my achievements as an SDT dancer as well as a doctor/banker. My brother has lived elsewhere. My wife is of someone i've met and known for quite long. Or it may be quite short. Endless possibilities. Oh, and I have children now. All doing well in Primary School. I have bought a car for both my wife and I. I give my parents 50% of my salary each month so that they can enjoy their huang jin nian.

Fertile imagination is ascribed to a boy in pursuit of peace.

Could all three happen subsequently?

2008-10-03T00:05:00.005+08:00

Since i bloody love talking to myself on an online web journal and my friends, unlike the slacker me, are studying like......

I shall rant about how fucking + irrationally pissed i'm now. Yes i did finished like 4 econs essay which took me a total of 4+ hrs with walking + procrastinating + TV-ing in-between. But i just don't feel satisfied man. Urgh. I feel my blood boiling, literally. Never before in this week am i this pissed. Yeah i was chirpy like a songbird 12 hours ago, but doing 4 freaking shit essays of econs srsly makes a person insane...mostly due to monotony and the strain on the fingers.

Wah i need to punch some bag. Urgh. The blood of hulk is within me now. And i've a fucking GP essay to complete/prepare/think about.

Freak.

2008-10-02T15:16:00.002+08:00

So I put my armmmmmmmms around you, around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong

My eyeeeeeeeeeeees are on you, they're on you
And I hope that you won't hurt me

2008-10-02T13:13:00.003+08:00

Wahaha not a bad day. Or a half day.

Though the chem extra lesson thingy was boring because i was being the usual bored me, i was surprisingly entertained by my chem teacher who, like always, naturally displayed her quirks which is so darn cute.

The best part was when she was getting rather flustered and scurrying about picking up her things to prepare for a H3 class. And when she finally picked up her big, encyclopedia-like book and she made a satisfied breath of relief, i was sure she was thinking:"OMG i found my handy-dandy notebook!" or something.

Yeah my chem tutor is the embodiment of cuteness.

2008-10-01T19:09:00.003+08:00

This Hell is brutal.

And this 18 years, I've hardly passed the 2nd level.

I await in delight.

2008-09-29T20:47:00.004+08:00

Like a guillotine, bifurcate throats of the unneeded

Trite is the bane of the unfeeded

Matyrdom is the advert of the resignated

A virgin touch is the fetish of the indoctrinated

The pendulum swings to the festering of the poet.

Kiss while your lips are still red

While he`s still silent

Rest while bosom is still untouched, unveiled

Hold another hand while the hand`s still without a tool

Drown into eyes while they`re still blind

Love while the night still hides the withering dawn

2008-09-28T17:26:00.002+08:00

I need a building. A really tall one. Over 100 storeys. And it must be midnight.

Oh i love the duality.

2008-09-26T20:13:00.002+08:00

I want to go to some metal band concert!

Shit i feel so pumped even when watching vids of live concerts.

When the empowering music starts and when the legion of fans starts clapping in unison....OH SHIZ OWNAGE! You feel as though you are taking part in some massive war to save the earth or something. My male ego and brotherhoodness inflates to infinity and the feeling rocks.

Sadly only a handful of people likes power metal bands =(

2008-09-26T01:28:00.002+08:00

Omg the girl in orange! The perfect dancer figure for meh! And i love the pose at the 42nd second where she just landed.

Love at first sight, indeed! Though she's a bi! >:(

2008-09-25T01:19:00.001+08:00

Alamak just watch Tyra Banks Show and she talked about how to maintain a relationship.

Two points she made that struck a chord was:

Keep it fresh.

Love yourself.

Hur hur.

2008-09-24T17:50:00.004+08:00

I want the sun to sleep for one day. Okay maybe for a week.

But at least, just don't show your hopeful face every single damn day.

It's kinda pressurizing you know? As though some people has the energy left to work towards any hope.

I'd really love a morning where the whole sky is covered in rumbling, tumultuous black clouds. Yes black. I hate grey. I abhor balance and diplomacy. Grey is so confusing. It's like a girl's mind. And like my mind. Grey borders on black and white, and so clouds with that pathetic excuse of a colour are probably fleeting ones. The prospect of being blinded by the sun's glare leaves me highly irritated.

Black on the other hand, is such a beauty. It's technically not a colour, just a lack of all. It is like a blanket. So secure. I can focus better since it is not so glaring. Black clouds prolong comfort. Naturally occurring darkness like a tranquil lakeside scenery accompanied by the backdrop of rustling leaves is perfect for those that yearns to be marooned to some spit of a desolated wasteland.

I'm growing fucking weary and nauseous at this damned life.

I am a misanthrope. Well maybe i just hate how we bend to norms. And thus i hate myself.

Maybe i just need a religion. To appreciate company and light.

2008-09-21T18:09:00.004+08:00

As dichotomous to my last post as it seems, i'm just gonna talk about cuteness.

You see huh, i was thinking about cuteness. There's hardly any cute people around anymore =/

I yearn to see babies in their oh-so-cute cuteliness.

Just picture this cute scene:

One cute baby boy and another cute baby girl are sitting together on a bench in a nice park. Then hor, the cute baby girl cutely takes out her super puny and cute lunchbox. Then as she cutely opens the lid, she clumpsily but still maintaining her cuteness, takes out a sandwich, gently breaks it in half, and hands it over to the cute baby boy. Then the baby boy takes it and then eats it. And as they eat the sandwich and swing their legs back and forth and giggle as butterflies flutter past or when brown leaves slowly drop onto them. Then as the boy boy got some bread crumbs on his cheeks as he sucks at eating properly, the girl girl then innocently-cum-spontaneously manipulate her thumb to wipe the crumbs off the face.

Ok shit i really do suck at imagining cute scenarios. But yeah, i was thinking how cute if i really saw this scene somewhere.

Shit, this feels paedophilic. But who cares.

2008-09-20T23:13:00.004+08:00

Fuck, the real battle begins.

Fuck the idealistic thoughts.

Time to beguile my consciousness to become another person.

A person that will fucking study like a mechanical humanoid.

Ahh. The taste of pragmatism shivers my timbers.

Fuck it, get psyched psyched psyched!!!!! Must get that fucking portfolio for god-knows-what future i have.

Grrr. Let the phantom of self-absorption replace the ambivalent soul.

2008-09-20T19:36:00.002+08:00

Fucking bored.

Fucking bored.

Fucking bored.

Fucking bored.

Fucking bored.

2008-09-20T15:22:00.002+08:00

Indeed.

Planet hell.

I need to improve my foot arch.

Op should be the solution.

2008-09-19T22:13:00.005+08:00

Yes my third post today!

Anyhow i discovered something.

I used to think metal was a really crappy genre of music due to the morbidness of the lyrics and the absolutely annoying "music"and screaming.

But of course metal has many sub-genres, like symphonic metal and all those softcore metals which i don't know the technical names.

And damn 2 bands whose lead singers are women are really good. And the way they sing are equally alluring.

And it helps when you're in a pretty comatose state and need something to ignite the inner...alter-ego.

I love running wild with my imaginations. I hope someone can also run with me.

2008-09-19T18:13:00.004+08:00

Hmm my Myer-Briggs type and suitable jobs. I think i changed from T to F since IP1.

The most sensitive of the Idealists is the Healer (INFP). While their list of jobs may echo that of other Idealists, they are more drawn to express their own unique vision of the world that all other types, so their work cannot help but be unique. They interpret their visions in the world of music, art, entertainment, or dance. As a professor or teacher, counselor or social worker, they often unlock the mysteries of life for those they encounter. In business they are drawn to organizational development and human resources careers. They may have a religious calling or seek work as a librarian. Their careers need to be in alignment with their personal values. Says Kay, “I chose health education so I could touch the lives of others to help them make better choices about their lives. I know I’ve done some good.”

For those who are interested, go here: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

Then you can click on type description by the Keirsey dude and then find out more about your suitable jobs.

One thing I must say though is that why Healer?! Wtf can't they say like Reverend or Bishop or Almighty Life-Giver or something?! The name sounds darn weak oh gosh.